Lonely, insecure girl seeks... xoxo

As far back as I can remember I’ve wanted love, specifically to be loved. I wanted the man of my dreams to sweep me off my feet and wanting this has played a big part in the decisions I have made. For a long time I viewed being single as an underachievement, it was me failing and inevitably feeling I was not good enough. I did not feel like a woman, because I wasn’t wanted by a man. Thoughts of insecurity, loneliness and doubt would constantly plague me. The thought of being someone’s girlfriend came with warmth and a daydream of love; it was the best feeling I ever knew. There have been times in my life I have compromised who I am if only for a moment a month or a year; it was better to feel valuable temporally than not at all, but this value was worthless and left me more insecure, lonely and questioning who I was. I wish I could tell you after the first time I felt this way, I got myself together and didn’t look back but I can’t. I found myself wrapped in the same situation over and over again, a different name and face. The truth is each time I compromised, I lost strength and it was a little harder to fight for me, love me and to understand why.  

Of course, there were times I was happy, full of laughs and so much fun to be around but with every high there is a low and I came crashing down. My bed became my refuge; under my duvet was my safe place. The only satisfaction I found was at the end of the phone with my ‘high’ when he decided to answer my call. I was consumed with him, him came and went... Giving him what he wanted didn’t make him stay, it let him know I didn’t a) know who I was, b) know my worth or c) care about myself and if I didn’t either then how could he?!

Stop, I don’t want this, what am I doing are a few of the things I would scream in my thoughts but they were overridden. I made bad decisions because of the emptiness I felt! Not knowing, loving and appreciating myself lead me to a dark place.

Albert Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It took me a long time to break this cycle.

Sharing this part of my life with you is difficult. Yes, I have come to terms with it but having it on a platform so others can read it drummed up an uneasiness feeling. Feeling this gave me the assurance I had to go ahead and post this part of my life, it captures the essence of ‘The Power of a Word’. I want to let you know, you are not the only one who went through what you went through, that you can get past your heartaches and you can go from strength to strength.

Put a stop to the negative patterns in your life. Understand, loving and appreciating you, are three of the most important things you’ll ever do; as they are vital attributes in forming the woman you become. Try to take the time each day to get to know you a little bit better, start a journal noting the things you like and dislike, the ways you react and the things you would like to change. 

I thank God for loving me, even when I did not love myself and giving me the strength to share this with you. 

xoxo